I Lost Control

by Julie Alexander

When I bought into the lie that I would gain my freedom through controlling my fertility yet I experienced a slow imprisonment that thwarted my ability to be open even to be loved.  I felt used, and dirty and cheap which resonated into the depths of my soul.  Very confused I lost myself in the feelings or lack thereof that rendered my emotions sterile and closed off.

As women, we are conditioned to believe that we should be in control of our lives, and that, especially means, control over our own body.  Birth control caused me to lose control of who I was created to be.

Not knowingly but by choice, I told God to get out of my life.  Calling to Him when I was in need or trouble or needing something fixed.  How could I be so bold as to kick God out of the depths of my being yet expected Him to come to my aide in times of anguish and stress?

When I realized that I was against God the problem was right in the very word I used to promote my decision.  Contra means against, and inception is the beginning (or life), who is the Lord and Giver of Life?  The Holy Spirit!   God, was the one I was rejecting and perplexed as to why I was not able to love or receive love from my husband.  We could not give what we did not possess.  Our intimacy felt sterile and left wondering why we felt cold and empty.

Living our lives based on the ways society told us to live out our marital love the consequence was when  Greg used to walk past me, and I would cringe and felt nauseous, but now he walks past me and touches me and warms my heart and gives me life.

Through reading Humanae Vitae, we changed our course of life and opened ourselves up to trust totally in the Lord.  Not only have we experience new life in our marriage but we have given each other the freedom to love as Christ loved us.  Holding nothing back and giving ourselves completely out of love instead of lust.

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